Have you ever found yourself developing that ‘close, personal’ relationship with a friend that you just know will be your ‘best friend forever’, only to learn down the road that they didn’t feel even close to the same, letting the friendship slide away with time as if it had little meaning? How about that person you’ve met a couple times that always wants to spend time with you because they think you’re best buds, but you’d rather just leave it at a passing hello?
This topic is one that has interested me as of late, as I see it coming up more and more often in the books that I read. We all classify our different ‘types’ of friends based on the relationship at the time, and the level of intimacy it involves. This ‘classification’ process can cause a lot of pain and heartache if it is not completely understood…
Matthew Kelly wrote an entire book on this concept, entitled The Seven Levels of Intimacy. In it he addressed the seven different levels that he classifies the communication between two people. These levels correspond with just how much you share and are open with the person you are communicating with. His ‘Seven Levels’ are:
Level one: We share clichés
Level Two: We share facts
Level Three: We share opinions
Level Four: We share hopes and dreams
Level Five: We share feelings
Level Six: We share faults, fears and failures
Level Seven: We share our legitimate needs
He discusses how no friendship is confined to only fitting into one of these levels, but rather are fluid, moving back and forth between them as our friendship progresses. Those that you are closest to are going to have reached a much higher level than the woman you run into at the coffee shop each morning on your way to work and greet, and that is completely ok. In order to have a balanced life and group of ‘friends’ you need to have friendships that fit into all levels that are here.
He also stresses that it is important not to see these levels as a task. When you realize that you are currently sharing a Level Two friendship, for example, the goal is not to force it to progress step by step up to Level Seven. Not all friendship will be become a Level Six or Level Seven relationship, and those that do may skip steps on the way. Rather than trying to force a friendship to fit into one level or another, find what level you are at and enjoy the blessing of having someone that fits into that niche in your life.
Another important point to consider is the fact that your friend may consider your friendship on a different level than you do at this time. Maybe you have reached a Level Five point of sharing your feelings with a good friend; however you find that he or she is still sharing with you their opinions at Level Three. There is nothing wrong with this; however here is where most people get hurt. Your friendship at that point is functioning where it needs to in each of your lives. We need to learn to accept that what level you are at is not a judgment of the person that you are, but rather a reflection of the role that you fill for that individual.
In their book Grown-Up Girlfriends Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver also address this concept, but in a slightly different manner. They explain this concept in terms of baskets, and seeing what basket your friends would fall into. In their book they also offer a guideline as to how many friends the average person would have in each of these categories, giving us an idea of how many people they believe actually make it to that higher level of intimacy.
Once again the idea of being in different categories or ‘baskets’ is addressed. They explain that although its always nice to know that a friend would place you in the same ‘basket’ as you place them, however we aren’t going around announcing what basket we would place our friends in, so why would it matter. The important thing is that the friendship is there, and fills a function necessary in both of our lives, even if that function is different.
Their ‘baskets’ are:
Basket Number Three: Acquaintances (20 to 100 individuals) – People that you know by name, you usually share facts or clichés. This could be a cashier at the grocery store or the secretary at your doctor’s office.
Basket Number Two: Good Friends or Companions (5 to 20 individuals) – People that you go beyond the surface with while communicating. You share opinions and concerns with these people, maybe moving to further levels of communication at times.
Basket Number One: Know-It-All Friends (1 to 4 individuals) – People that you share your needs, feelings and further intimate connections with These friends are the heart and soul, and as a result these friendships require more time as well as a higher level of trust and commitment. You’re more likely to walk through conflict and manage relational dynamics with these friends.
The ‘Basket’ concept used by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver is very similar to the Seven Levels of Intimacy used in Matthew Kelly’s book. Once again it is measured by the connection that you develop with these people. As you can see, even looking at the highest extremes of their guidelines, the average person who has 100 acquaintances would still only have 4 Know-it-all friends.
Fred Smith explains it just a little differently in his book You and Your Network. Rather than defining the categories based on the level of communication, he goes as far as defining them by their actual purpose and role in your life. His categories are:
1. Our reservoir of friendship possibilities – The friendly people that we encounter in our day to day lives and activities. We nod, acknowledge them, however have not begun any type of conversation with them to truly understand who they are. They are people that you would be happy to know, and consider to be a ‘good’ person from your experiences, but you are not anxious enough about it to make the necessary effort to develop a relationship.
2. Friends of convenience – This category includes people like your neighbours. You are there to support each other when things need done, like checking on the house and gathering mail when you are on vacation. We speak with these people, but seldom talk seriously. You will go as far as asking them how they are doing, but appreciate if they acknowledge that you don’t really want an answer, it’s more a question of courtesy than interest.
3. Friends of mutuality – These friendships are built on a mutual ability to benefit each other. Friendships that develop in a business environment more often than not fall into this category. When the advantage gained by being friends is lost, most often the friendship just fades out. Its is based on an exchange of favour, benefits, and profits.
4. Period friendships – These are the friendships that are established for a specific period of your life, but aren’t there to last beyond that. They are often people that are part of a mutual cause, or the same sports team. For the duration of your tournament you are establishing a friendship, but once it ends, the friendship too fades out.
5. Deeper Friendships – These friendships relate to love. He states “Meaningful friendship is a narrow level – the small tip at the top of the acquaintance pyramid reserved for “real” friends.”
All three of these explanations go far to helping us understand that not every friend that comes into our life is going to be become one of those ‘top of the list, share your life with buddies’ and that is ok because regardless of their category, they serve their purpose in your life. Rather than attempting to analyze what category our friends have us in, let’s just feel blessed that they have come to fill their role in our life, enjoy the friendship for its specific purpose and love them for who they are. I’m not saying don’t work on your relationships, all relationships require some degree of work and effort, however we can’t force our friendships to be something they are not, or we are setting ourselves up for hurt.
I’m going to leave you with this challenge…. Consider the friendships in your life, and the blessings that they bring to you each and every encounter, whether it’s a smile from an acquaintance, or that close friend that was there to hug you as you cried… Remember these moments, cherish these moments, and pour your heart into the people in your lives…
No comments:
Post a Comment