Thursday 26 May 2011

The Power of a Woman's Words

Today’s blog is going to be a little different from those that I have done up until this point. This morning I was reading The Power of a Woman’s Words by Sharon Jaynes when a story she included moved me. Rather than writing about a concept/idea, I am simply going to share that story. I hope that it touches you as much as it reached out and touched me. Listen to what this has to share, and apply it to the people in your life who you think you could inspire or help through your words. It takes little effort and little time on your part, but as this story illustrates, it can play a large role in their lives for years to come.
Three Letters from Teddy
Teddy’s letter came today and now I’ve read it, I will place it in my cedar chest with the other things that are important to my life.
“I wanted you to be the first to know.”
I smiled as I read the words he had written, and my heart swelled with a pride that I had no right to feel. Teddy Stallard. I have not seen Teddy Stallard sine he was a student in my fifth-grade  class, fifteen years ago.
I’m ashamed to say that from the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers try hard not to have favourites in a class, but we try even harder not to show dislike for a child, any child.
Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that one cannot help but be attached to, for teachers are human, and it is human nature to like bright, pretty, intelligent people, whether they are ten years old or twenty-five. And sometimes, not too often fortunately, there will be one or two students to whom the teacher just can’t seem to relate.
I had thought myself quite capable of handling my personal feelings along that line until Teddy walked into my life. There wasn’t a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy was most assuredly one I disliked.
He was a dirty little boy. Not just occasionally, but all the time. His hair hung low over his ears, and he actually had to hold it out of his eyes as he wrote his papers in class. (And this was before it was fashionable to do so!) too, he had a peculiar odor about him that I could never identify.
Yes, his physical faults were many, but his intellect left a lot to be desired. By the end of the first week I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind, he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.
Any teacher will tell you that it’s more of a pleasure to teach a bright child. It is definitely more rewarding for one’s ego. But any teacher worth his or her credentials can channel work to the bright child, keeping that child challenged and learning, while the major effort is with the slower ones. Any teacher can do this. Most teachers do, but I didn’t. Not that year.
In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy’s papers, the cross-marks (and they were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary.
“Poor work!” I would write with a flourish.
While I did not actually ridicule the boy, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, for he quickly became the class “goat”, the outcast – the unlovable and the unloved.
He knew I didn’t like him, but he didn’t know why. Nor did I know – then or now – why I felt such an intense dislike for him. All I know is that he was a little boy no one cared about, and I made no effort on his behalf.
The days rolled by and we made it through the Fall Festival, the Thanksgiving holidays, and I continued marking happily with my red pen. As our Christmas break approached, I knew that Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth-grade level. He would be a repeater.
To justify myself, I went to his cumulative folder from time to time. He had very low grades for the first four years, but no grade failure. How he had made it, I didn’t know. I closed my mind to the personal remarks:
First Grade: “Teddy shows promise by work and attitude, but he has a poor home situation.”
Second Grade: “Teddy could do better. Mother terminally ill. He receives little help at home.”
Third Grade: “Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. Mother passed away end of the year.”
Fourth Grade: “Very slow but well behaved. Father shows no interest.”
Well they passed him four times, but he will certainly repeat fifth grade! Do him good! I said to myself.
And then the last day before the holidays arrived. Our little tree on the reading table sported paper and popcorn chains. Many gifts were heaped underneath, waiting for the big moment.
Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. There was not a student who had not brought me one. Each unwrapping brought squeals of delight and the proud giver would receive effusive thank-yous.
His gift wasn’t the last one I picked up. In fact it was in the middle of the pile. Its wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had colored Christmas trees and red bells all over it. It was stuck together with masking tape. “For Miss Thompson – From Teddy.”
The group was completely silent and I felt conspicuous, embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap that gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk. A gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne – half empty. I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn’t sure I could look at Teddy.
“Isn’t this lovely?” I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. “Teddy, would you help me fasten it?”
He smiled shyly as he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few hesitant ooh’s and ahh’s, but, as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears.
I continued to open the gifts until I reached the bottom of the pile. We ate our refreshments until the bell rant. The children filed out with shouts of “See you next year!” and “Merry Christmas!” but Teddy waited at his desk.
When they all left, he walked toward me clutching his gift and books to his chest.
“You smell just like Mom,” he said softly, “Her bracelet looks real pretty on you, too. I’m glad you liked it.”
He left quickly and I locked the door, sat down at my desk and wept, resolving to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of – a teacher who cared.
I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from the day class resumed on January 2 until the last day of school. Sometimes we worked together. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers. Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. Gradually there was a definite upward curve in his grades.
He did not have to repeat the fifth grade. In fact, his final averages were among the highest in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him. Teddy had reached a level that would stand him in good stead the following year, no matter where he went. He had enjoyed a measure of success, and as we were taught in our education courses: “Success builds success.”
I did not hear from Teddy until several years later when his first letter appeared in my mailbox.
                Dear Miss Thompson,
                I just wanted you to be the first to know, I will be graduating second in my
                class on May 25 from E_____ High School.
                                Very truly yours,
                                Teddy Stallard
I sent him a card of congratulations and a small package, a pen and pencil set. I wondered what he would do after graduation. I found out four years later when Teddy’s second letter came.
                Dear Miss Thompson,
                I was just informed today that I’ll be graduating first in my class. The
                University has been a little tough, but I’ll miss it,
                                Very truly yours,
                                Teddy Stallard
I sent him a good pair of sterling silver monogrammed cuff links and a card, so proud of him I could burst!
And now – today – Teddy’s third letter:
                Dear Miss Thompson,
                I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today I am Theodore J.
                Stallard, MD. How about that???!!!
                I’m going to be married on July 27, and I’m hoping you can come
                and sit where Mom would sit if she were here. I’ll have no family
                there as Dad died last year.        
                                Very truly yours,
                                Ted Stallard
I’m not sure what kind of gift one sends to a doctor on completion of medical school. Maybe I’ll just wait and take a wedding gift, but the note can’t wait.
                Dear Ted,
                Congratulations! You made it and you did it yourself! In spite of
                those like me and not because of us, this day has come for you.
                God  bless you. I’ll be at that wedding with bells on!!!
Miss Thompson changed the course of one little boy’s life. She gave Teddy words that built him up when he felt as though life had knocked him down for good. Can’t you hear her now? “Great job, Teddy!” “You can do it!” She became the wind beneath his wings when he felt as though he had been grounded from flight. And years later, she had a front row seat as she watched him soar into his future. That is the power of a woman’s words.”

Tuesday 3 May 2011

Communication Stages

I have recently just completed a book called Outstanding – 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional  by John G. Miller. This is a book that was specifically written with a focus on work organizations and ensuring that they are successful, but like the other books I have mentioned on here previously, I feel that many of the concepts contained within it can be applied just as successfully to growth in the relationships in your own personal life.
One of the concepts that Miller introduced was that of the 4 Ds in conversation. He introduced this as a means of looking at the level of communication present in meetings and work relationships while attempting to reach a resolve during problem solving situations at work. I challenge you to take these same ideas and apply them to discussions and conflicts that arise between groups of your friends, your family members, social networks that you belong to, etc.
The 4 Ds that Miller introduces are Denial, Debate, Discussion and Dialogue. He explains that each of these comes with a different view and mindset in approaching problem solving. In understanding these we can step back and assess the likelihood of a group reaching a solution that will work for the benefit of all involved.
The first D he introduces is Denial. When a group is in the stage of denial, there is no talking or communication going on at all in reference to the area that requires problem solving. Miller states: “Colleagues, teams, and organizations that are in Denial simply see no problems. And since they believe that all is well, there’s nothing really substantial to talk about”. An example of this would be if there was a topic that had caused a rift in a group of your friends, maybe a comment that a friend has made that others take offense to. If no one in the group is willing to even discuss that this disagreement or discomfort exists, they will never reach a solution.
This stage is a dangerous place to be in any meaningful relation in your life. If a problem like this exists, and you choose not to confront it, this problem will only continue to grow and fester beneath the surface. This rift between two or more people will then continually be worse, as although you aren’t talking about it, it will still be reflected upon regularly in the back of your mind. The result of this unspoken rift is that you will find yourselves growing further and further apart as you bottle up the negative emotions you begin to feel towards each other. This is often what leads to the falling apart of friendships, when you hear “we just grew apart”. Although not all friendship are meant to last, as we’ve discussed before, and not all friendship will be really deep, emotional and open, you need to remember that those close relationship you have are worth the discomfort of stepping out of this rut.
The next concept that Miller introduces is the first step towards actually confronting the problems we are presented with. This is the Debate category. While in the mindset of debate, you are still not discussing to find a win-win situation, but rather are simply arguing to win based on your own personal stance. As Miller explains, “The good news with this level is that problems are now being recognized, and people accept that they should be searching for solutions. The bad news is, the objective of any debate is to win. When the goal of a conversation is to defeat the other person, it’s not going to be a very healthy talk”.
When in the stage of debate, you create an impression amongst your peers of being selfish and self centered. In this stage of communication you are not open to the ideas and needs of other people. You go into the situation with a set mindset, knowing what you want/need and unwilling to compromise for the better of the other people involved. If you think you are in this mindset, try stepping back and asking yourself whether you are willing to sacrifice anything in order to make this a win-win? Look at whether you are willing to make this situation work for others as well, as if you are focused solely on yourself it will not help to establish healthy relationships with those you care about.
The third stage in communication that Miller introduces is Discussion. This introduces the beginning stages of problem solving into your communication. He states “With Discussion, problems have not only been acknowledged and brought into the light, but people are also more willing to set aside personal agendas and their need to be right in order to solve the problem.”
This is the stage in which we first start to learn to truly consider the needs of those around us. When you look at the people around you that your respect and enjoy spending time with, its safe to say that part of the reason you enjoy their company is the way that they make others feel. People holding positions of leadership and respect earn this from the people around them by showing that they truly care about all involved. They are willing to put the needs of the group before their own personal needs. Although at this stage you have not completely mastered this concept, you are well on your way in working towards establishing that kind of heart in your day to day thoughts and actions.
If you feel at this time you are sitting in stage one or stage two that doesn’t make you a bad person. One thing that I have learned early on is that any of the leadership and life concepts that I introduce on here are all teachable. You are not a bad person for not having developed this in your life yet, you simply hadn’t been given the information to even recognize these stages exist. Start aiming to improve yourself, and you will be surprised how far you go. If you are in stage one or stage two with your communication, next time you are in a group making a decision, even as small as ‘what are  we going to do this weekend’, try aiming for stage three. Start introducing the idea that although you’d had your heart set on attending that certain movie at that certain time, maybe it is best to set that aside to consider the fact that two or three of your other friends have an idea at that time. You will be surprised how far this will go in your relationships, and practicing this long enough you will begin to see the favourable responses from friends who see the change that is occurring within your heart.
The final stage that Miller introduces in his 4 Ds of communication is that of Dialogue. This is the stage where you are able to solve problems regardless of what may arise. You are able to put aside your own personal thoughts/feelings and step back, looking at the problem and finding the best solutions for ALL involved. Miller introduces this stage by saying: “In Dialogue, the conversation goes beyond simply talking about problems and how to fix them to working together in an honoring and respectful way”. He also states: “In Dialogue, people want to find the solution – and they don’t’ care who or where it comes from.”
At this stage the individuals involved are more focused on finding a solution for the common good than any of their own personal needs or wants. This is the stage most often connected with the mindset of Servant Leadership, a form of leadership in which you are focused more of the welling being of those who trust you as a leader than you are yourself. The amazing thing about this type of leadership is that in turn you also benefit from making those sacrifices. It is this style of leadership that you see most successfully in your local charitable organizations, community groups and churches. These are the people who honestly care SO much for the people around them that they will go far out of their way in order to make a solution the best for ALL parties involved.
This is not a natural mind set, humans are naturally egotistical and self centered. In order to achieve this level of communication in your day to day life you WILL have to be willing to work towards it and grow personally. There are plenty of places to get information to start working towards this stage in your life, great books and amazing leaders  out there in the world that have varying ways of sharing their vast wealth of knowledge. I have included links on this page to the blogs of two of those leaders that I greatly respect and have seen putting this concept to work in their lives first hand, Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady. Please explore their blogs, and feel free to share here what you think, and any information about the individuals in your lives that you feel have demonstrated these concepts.