One of the topics that I want to touch on whenever possible in this blog is different ways in which you can build yourself up, without it being at the expense of others. As I have said before, the ability to increase your self esteem resides in your hands, its just a matter of getting the information required to make the change, and having the guts to step out and make the changes required.
Today we are going to discuss the 5 steps to building confidence as discussed by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. in his book The Magic of Thinking Big. This is one of my ultimate favourite books, and a recommendation for anyone that is looking to find a way to improve their life and being to reach their biggest goals and dreams. This is one of the first books I read in my quest to work on improving myself, and since then have read it multiple times.
Schwartz states that there are 5 steps, that if applied correctly will allow you to build your own self confidence. I want you to think about the last time that you felt you ‘failed’ at something you wanted in life. In most cases, this failure could have just as easily gone the other way if it weren’t for a lack of self confidence in the approach.
The first step he discusses is the importance of being a “front seater”. By this he means, when you attend a presentation, class, even church, where do you sit? Schwartz says “Sitting up front builds confidence. Most people sit near the back in order to be inconspicuous”. Most people gravitate to the back of the room where they can hide out unnoticed during these events. Now in earlier posts we’ve discussed that who you are is who you see yourself as, the concept of thinking yourself into being better. If this is the case, does it not make sense that sitting up front and thinking of yourself with the confidence to be right up front and centre, eye to eye with the speaker, will begin to make you feel that way?
That leads nicely into the second step – Practice making eye contact. We have all heard sayings like “the eyes are a window to the soul” and often a saying too often overused, like that one, are then shrugged off and believed to have no value… I challenge that thought. Schwartz says “Your eyes say a lot about you. Make eye contact with the person you are talking with and demonstrate your confidence to them.” Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is staring at the ground the entire time, or looking off through the window beside them? You immediately feel as though you are dealing with someone who has no belief in what they are trying to tell you. Knowing this, why not harness this simple way to create confidence in yourself. “It not only gives you confidence. It wins you confidence too.”I believe very strongly in this statement from Schwartz. You create both an inner feeling of confidence as you build confidence in yourself, but you also portray confidence to the person you are interacting with, which in turn develops their confidence in you. Its hard not to feel confident when you know that the person you are speaking with is already confident in you as well.
The next step that Schwartz discusses is a concept that is too often forgotten about in our society today, and that’s the use of your body language to build and portray confidence. Schwartz tells us that it is as simple as walking 25% faster everywhere that you go. He says: “Throw your shoulders back, lift up your head, move ahead just a little faster and feel self-confidence grow.” The way that you carry yourself is going to say a lot about the confidence that you have. In The Magic of Thinking Big Schwartz discusses three different groups of people that you can observe. The first group is the group that slouches, and walks slow, the second group walks at an average pace, and the third group walks like they have somewhere important to be. Observing people from these three groups heading to work in the morning, which would you believe to be the confident individual? When you slouch you illustrate to all around you that you don’t even have enough self confidence to hold your head high, not the impression you want to be giving when trying to build confidence. I challenge you to try this in your place of employment, and notice the different way that many will interact with you.
Once you’ve begun to walk fast and with purpose, the next step that Schwartz introduces is the importance of speaking up. He explains that not speaking up, whether its at a group meeting at work when they have introduced a new procedure, or while planning a charity event that you agreed to take part in. Too often you watch someone leading a meeting doing all the speaking while everyone else sits and nods, only to walk away and complain about the decisions made. When you choose not to speak up you solidify in your mind that your opinion on the matter is not worth being heard. The more often you choose to stay silent, the deeper you ingrain this belief of yourself. Schwartz says “But on the positive side, the more you speak up, the more you add to your confidence, and the easier it is to speak up the next time. Speak up. It’s a confidence-building vitamin.” As with anything else that you are learning to do in life, from walking as a young child, through to learning to drive, and onwards, practice and repetition will help you to build your skills and comfort level. Schwartz also adds that you shouldn’t be the last person to speak either, as that will build the same feeling not speaking does, you feel like a follower simply following the heard. Instead, aim to be the ice breaker. I’m not saying say the first thing that comes to your mind without putting through behind it, but when you have a valid point, take the step out of your comfort zone to speak up, and with time that comfort zone will increase.
Schwartz’s final point is one that I think is the most forgotten about, and yet one of the easiest of all of these to apply, Smile big. Have you ever noticed how much better you immediately feel when you are smiling? The body reacts believing that whatever you are facing is something you are comfortable with and even happy to be completing. Schwartz writes, “A big smile gives you confidence. A big smile beats fear, rolls away worry, defeats despondency.” Isn’t it true to state that you simply can’t remain mad at someone that smile s at you with a true, genuine smile? That’s why it is so hard to remain angry with a child… Apply this in your life and you’ll find yourself both feeling happier and more confident as well as bringing happiness and confidence to each person that you interact with in life. When you find yourself concerned, worried, nervous or afraid, put on a large, genuine smile and you will begin to feel the wave of comfort take you over.
So there you have it, 5 simple steps illustrated by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. None of the ideas mentioned on their own is overly difficult or time consuming, but when put into action, these will create HUGE changes in your life, both on a personal level as well as in the relationships that you form at work, in your home and in your day to day lives.
