Friendship and Labels

Have you ever found yourself developing that ‘close, personal’ relationship with a friend that you just know will be your ‘best friend forever’, only to learn down the road that they didn’t feel even close to the same, letting the friendship slide away with time as if it had little meaning? How about that person you’ve met a couple times that always wants to spend time with you because they think you’re best buds, but you’d rather just leave it at a passing hello?

This topic is one that has interested me as of late, as I see it coming up more and more often in the books that I read. We all classify our different ‘types’ of friends based on the relationship at the time, and the level of intimacy it involves. This ‘classification’ process can cause a lot of pain and heartache if it is not completely understood…

Matthew Kelly wrote an entire book on this concept, entitled The Seven Levels of Intimacy. In it he addressed the seven different levels that he classifies the communication between two people. These levels correspond with just how much you share and are open with the person you are communicating with. His ‘Seven Levels’ are:

Level one: We share clichés

Level Two: We share facts

Level Three: We share opinions

Level Four: We share hopes and dreams

Level Five: We share feelings

Level Six: We share faults, fears and failures

Level Seven: We share our legitimate needs

He discusses how no friendship is confined to only fitting into one of these levels, but rather are fluid, moving back and forth between them as our friendship progresses. Those that you are closest to are going to have reached a much higher level than the woman you run into at the coffee shop each morning on your way to work and greet, and that is completely ok. In order to have a balanced life and group of ‘friends’ you need to have friendships that fit into all levels that are here.

He also stresses that it is important not to see these levels as a task. When you realize that you are currently sharing a Level Two friendship, for example, the goal is not to force it to progress step by step up to Level Seven. Not all friendship will be become a Level Six or Level Seven relationship, and those that do may skip steps on the way. Rather than trying to force a friendship to fit into one level or another, find what level you are at and enjoy the blessing of having someone that fits into that niche in your life.

Another important point to consider is the fact that your friend may consider your friendship on a different level than you do at this time. Maybe you have reached a Level Five point of sharing your feelings with a good friend; however you find that he or she is still sharing with you their opinions at Level Three. There is nothing wrong with this; however here is where most people get hurt. Your friendship at that point is functioning where it needs to in each of your lives. We need to learn to accept that what level you are at is not a judgment of the person that you are, but rather a reflection of the role that you fill for that individual.

In their book Grown-Up Girlfriends Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver also address this concept, but in a slightly different manner. They explain this concept in terms of baskets, and seeing what basket your friends would fall into. In their book they also offer a guideline as to how many friends the average person would have in each of these categories, giving us an idea of how many people they believe actually make it to that higher level of intimacy.

Once again the idea of being in different categories or ‘baskets’ is addressed. They explain that although its always nice to know that a friend would place you in the same ‘basket’ as you place them, however we aren’t going around announcing what basket we would place our friends in, so why would it matter. The important thing is that the friendship is there, and fills a function necessary in both of our lives, even if that function is different.

Their ‘baskets’ are:

Basket Number Three: Acquaintances (20 to 100 individuals) – People that you know by name, you usually share facts or clichés. This could be a cashier at the grocery store or the secretary at your doctor’s office.

Basket Number Two: Good Friends or Companions (5 to 20 individuals) – People that you go beyond the surface with while communicating. You share opinions and concerns with these people, maybe moving to further levels of communication at times.

Basket Number One: Know-It-All Friends (1 to 4 individuals) – People that you share your needs, feelings and further intimate connections with These friends are the heart and soul, and as a result these friendships  require more time as well as a higher level of trust and commitment. You’re more likely to walk through conflict and manage relational dynamics with these friends.

The ‘Basket’ concept used by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver is very similar to the Seven Levels of Intimacy used in Matthew Kelly’s book. Once again it is measured by the connection that you develop with these people. As you can see, even looking at the highest extremes of their guidelines, the average person who has 100 acquaintances would still only have 4 Know-it-all friends.

Fred Smith explains it just a little differently in his book You and Your Network. Rather than defining the categories based on the level of communication, he goes as far as defining them by their actual purpose and role in your life. His categories are:

1.       Our reservoir of friendship possibilities – The friendly people that we encounter in our day to day lives and activities. We nod, acknowledge them, however have not begun any type of conversation with them to truly understand who they are. They are people that you would be happy to know, and consider to be a ‘good’ person from your experiences, but you are not anxious enough about it to make the necessary effort to develop a relationship.

2.       Friends of convenience – This category includes people like your neighbours. You are there to support each other when things need done, like checking on the house and gathering mail when you are on vacation. We speak with these people, but seldom talk seriously. You will go as far as asking them how they are doing, but appreciate if they acknowledge that you don’t really want an answer, it’s more a question of courtesy than interest.

3.       Friends of mutuality – These friendships are built on a mutual ability to benefit each other. Friendships that develop in a business environment more often than not fall into this category. When the advantage gained by being friends is lost, most often the friendship just fades out. Its is based on an exchange of favour, benefits, and profits.

4.       Period friendships – These are the friendships that are established for a specific period of your life, but aren’t there to last beyond that. They are often people that are part of a mutual cause, or the same sports team. For the duration of your tournament you are establishing a friendship, but once it ends, the friendship too fades out.

5.       Deeper Friendships – These friendships relate to love. He states “Meaningful friendship is a narrow level – the small tip at the top of the acquaintance pyramid reserved for “real” friends.”

All three of these explanations go far to helping us understand that not every friend that comes into our life is going to be become one of those ‘top of the list, share your life with buddies’ and that is ok because regardless of their category, they serve their purpose in your life. Rather than attempting to analyze what category our friends have us in, let’s just feel blessed that they have come to fill their role in our life, enjoy the friendship for its specific purpose and love them for who they are. I’m not saying don’t work on your relationships, all relationships require some degree of work and effort, however we can’t force our friendships to be something they are not, or we are setting ourselves up for hurt.

I’m going to leave you with this challenge…. Consider the friendships in your life, and the blessings that they bring to you each and every encounter, whether it’s a smile from an acquaintance, or that close friend that was there to hug you as you cried… Remember these moments, cherish these moments, and pour your heart into the people in your lives…

Fear Buttons

I was recently reading a book called Grown-Up Girlfriends by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver when I came across a section they referred to as our ‘fear buttons’. I thought this was an interesting concept and way of looking at the fears in our lives, and wanted to share it with all of you.

The idea behind ‘fear buttons’ is that each of us has specific triggers, or buttons, that cause us to back into habitual reactions due to reactions of fear. If we are able to recognize what our individual triggers are , then we have the ability to work on overcoming that fear and having a better control over our emotional reaction to those situations.

Growing up I was always a ‘tom boy’ and ‘tough stuff’ so I had convinced myself that I fear nothing and nothing could get in my way. Reading this book I realized that even that notion is in itself a depiction of my ‘fear button’ coming through.

I’m not going to list all of the examples they had, as there were a couple pages of different examples, but I will use a few from the book to share with you the idea they were presenting. Each ‘fear button’ can be identified by a certain set of emotional feelings that arise from the situation. For example, if your ‘fear button’ is Rejection then your fear may sound like “My friend doesn’t want me; my friend doesn’t need me; I’m not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted”. Due to this in any situation where a friend my portray something that makes you feel is their way of saying they no longer need you or want you around, this ‘fear button’ is in turn pressed.

Another example of a ‘fear button’, and one that I struggle with a lot, is Intimacy. That fear sounds like “I am afraid of opening up emotionally to my friend; I will be hurt emotionally if I allow my friend past my walls”. Due to this particular fear being so deeply embedded in my way of thinking, I realized I was hindering my ability to build close, lasting friendships, because they minute they got close, I pushed them away, or ran the other way.

A couple other examples that are common are:
Abandonment – “I will be alone; my friend will ultimately leave me; I will be left without any friends; my friend won’t be committed to me or long; I will be deserted”
Inferiority – “Everyone else is better than I am; I am less valuable or important than others”

When these ‘fear buttons’ are pressed, we have internal reactions that we habitually fall back on, and in those lies the second key to moving past our fear buttons. If we are able to realize how we react and in turn start gaining some control over it, we can keep ourselves from causing negative situations due to habitual reaction. They also had a large list of common reactions to our ‘fear buttons’ in the same way that they had listed the ‘fear buttons’ themselves.

The one that I am most guilty of, and am working on controlling more, is the reaction of Numbing Out. Their explanation of Numbing out is “I become devoid of emotion, or I have no regard for my friend’s needs or troubles”. As you can see, these two go rather hand in hand… If I am afraid of getting too close to someone, it would make sense that I would then respond by becoming devoid of emotion…. The problem is these two have created a steady spiral in my life that I need to break free from. In order to break free I need to recognize both, not just one half of the puzzle.

Some other examples include:
Withdrawal – “I avoid others or alienate myself without resolution; I sulk or use the silent treatment”
Escalation – “My emotions spiral out of control; I argue, raise my voice, or fly into a rage”
Acting out – “I engage in negative behaviours such as drug or alcohol abuse, excessive shopping, or overeating”

As I said, I can’t list everything on here they discussed, or I would be filling this up with a complete recount of their book (which I loved)! This book is focused particularly on females and the relationships that they build with female companions, but I believe many of the concepts they share in it can easily be applied to the men in our lives as well. I highly recommend it to anyone that is looking to work on their people skills!

I leave you with one final thought today, a quote from the start of the chapter of this book: “To be a good friend, value yourself. To treasure another’s essence in your heart, you must first treasure the precious essence that is you.” – Friendship Therapy

Personal Growth

There are many different ways that one can start to find joy in each day of their lives…. From the people you associate yourself, to your favourite hobbies… from your dream house to that adorable puppy that you brought home to show you unconditional love… Each of us finds our own ways to cope, to develop the strength and courage we need each day to get up with a smile on our face and a skip in our step.

Having gotten involved in a leadership development organization myself, I have recently had my eyes opened to something that has helped me to move LEAPS AND BOUNDS beyond where I used to be and the things I used to struggle with. The association through this group is phenomenal, full of upbeat and positive individuals who light up a room when they walk in. People that truly believe in your and want the best for you in your life. The biggest turning block for me however has been the ability to be in a state of continual growth.

I have learned the value of not just settling with the person that you are, not in the negative sense of being upset that you’re something you wish you weren’t, but in the positive sense of recognizing what exactly you have the ability and power to become with a little hard work and personal commitment. For this reason I have now made it part of my daily routine to read each and every day. Not just any book either, books that are going to work on the different personality traits and improvements that I am currently focusing on improving in my life. This could be people skills, my faith, skills related to being in the business world (like tenacity, confidence, etc), whatever it is I am currently working on.

The most recent book I have read was You and Your Network by Fred Smith. This was given to me by a close personal friend and mentor who felt that I could grow and achieve further personal growth and success through the principles present in this book when he read it. This book touches on the many different networks in your life (you, your heroes, your models, your mentors, your peers, your enemies, your friends, and your family) and how each of those can be used in positive ways to help you in building yourself on a personal level.

There is one part of the book that caught my attention in particular though, touching on the very topic of today’s post, the importance of continual growth. Too often we find ourselves caught up in the Education system, and book learning… I’m not saying there is anything wrong with those streams, they have their purposes, but although they prepare you well for whatever career path you are heading down as far as the information and knowledge goes, they don’t satisfy your human need to grow personally. After all, you are by far your greatest asset!

The book quotes Sydney Harris: “Education is not a mass of facts or inert ideas, as Whitehead called them, but an attitude and appetite and approach, a frame of mind, a function of the full personality, of the will, the spirit, and the imagination as much as of the intellectual force.”

That quote demonstrates what I was missing in the education in my life. I was an ‘intelligent’ person, or so the school system stated… always a top student, great grades, promising future… but I felt like something was missing. That something was the very type of education mentioned in that quote. The type that will invoke my personality, my will, my spirit….

Maybe, rather than just settling for where we are and the ruts that we have found ourselves in… that person who wakes up to the alarm (that they hate), to go to a job (that they would rather not be at), to work to make money for someone else (that we really can’t stand), while we continually crumble about how we feel we aren’t fulfilled, that we’re tired, worn out, and getting nowhere. We’re stuck on the never ending cycle that we think will be our life… Instead why not make it something more, something exciting…

I’m not saying run out and quit your job tomorrow, you need an income to pay bills and maintain an existence in today’s society, but what about those evenings you spend in front of the television, your mind shut off as you watch the latest ‘fad’ show while eating your favourite junk food… why not take a bit of time out to do something meaningful? To grow yourself personally? To make a difference….

I’m not sure what it is for you…. Maybe you want to develop better people skills because you find most people anger you, or you anger them…. Maybe you want to further your financial skills so that you can get your finances in order and not be living paycheck to paycheck… or Maybe you want to expand your knowledge and belief in your Faith (I’m not saying you have to be religious, that’s a whole separate topic, but I will begin by adding when I started this journey in my life, I was definitely not). Whatever it is, get out there and do it!

For those of you ready to pick up the challenge, its time to find the means… maybe it’s a book that you think will help, a mentor that you can work with, or a situation that will assist you in growing (a lot of volunteer work is great for this!). Whatever it is, feel free to comment and keep me updated on the status of your personal growth, and the amazing things that it does for your life and your self esteem (not to mention your relationships with the people already in your life)

Remember, you are all amazing people, beautiful on the inside and out… You are brimming with potential, you just have to harness it… Throw your heart over the line… Take this and run with it, and you’ll be surprised by just how amazing you can be!!!