Fear Buttons

I was recently reading a book called Grown-Up Girlfriends by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver when I came across a section they referred to as our ‘fear buttons’. I thought this was an interesting concept and way of looking at the fears in our lives, and wanted to share it with all of you.

The idea behind ‘fear buttons’ is that each of us has specific triggers, or buttons, that cause us to back into habitual reactions due to reactions of fear. If we are able to recognize what our individual triggers are , then we have the ability to work on overcoming that fear and having a better control over our emotional reaction to those situations.

Growing up I was always a ‘tom boy’ and ‘tough stuff’ so I had convinced myself that I fear nothing and nothing could get in my way. Reading this book I realized that even that notion is in itself a depiction of my ‘fear button’ coming through.

I’m not going to list all of the examples they had, as there were a couple pages of different examples, but I will use a few from the book to share with you the idea they were presenting. Each ‘fear button’ can be identified by a certain set of emotional feelings that arise from the situation. For example, if your ‘fear button’ is Rejection then your fear may sound like “My friend doesn’t want me; my friend doesn’t need me; I’m not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted”. Due to this in any situation where a friend my portray something that makes you feel is their way of saying they no longer need you or want you around, this ‘fear button’ is in turn pressed.

Another example of a ‘fear button’, and one that I struggle with a lot, is Intimacy. That fear sounds like “I am afraid of opening up emotionally to my friend; I will be hurt emotionally if I allow my friend past my walls”. Due to this particular fear being so deeply embedded in my way of thinking, I realized I was hindering my ability to build close, lasting friendships, because they minute they got close, I pushed them away, or ran the other way.

A couple other examples that are common are:
Abandonment – “I will be alone; my friend will ultimately leave me; I will be left without any friends; my friend won’t be committed to me or long; I will be deserted”
Inferiority – “Everyone else is better than I am; I am less valuable or important than others”

When these ‘fear buttons’ are pressed, we have internal reactions that we habitually fall back on, and in those lies the second key to moving past our fear buttons. If we are able to realize how we react and in turn start gaining some control over it, we can keep ourselves from causing negative situations due to habitual reaction. They also had a large list of common reactions to our ‘fear buttons’ in the same way that they had listed the ‘fear buttons’ themselves.

The one that I am most guilty of, and am working on controlling more, is the reaction of Numbing Out. Their explanation of Numbing out is “I become devoid of emotion, or I have no regard for my friend’s needs or troubles”. As you can see, these two go rather hand in hand… If I am afraid of getting too close to someone, it would make sense that I would then respond by becoming devoid of emotion…. The problem is these two have created a steady spiral in my life that I need to break free from. In order to break free I need to recognize both, not just one half of the puzzle.

Some other examples include:
Withdrawal – “I avoid others or alienate myself without resolution; I sulk or use the silent treatment”
Escalation – “My emotions spiral out of control; I argue, raise my voice, or fly into a rage”
Acting out – “I engage in negative behaviours such as drug or alcohol abuse, excessive shopping, or overeating”

As I said, I can’t list everything on here they discussed, or I would be filling this up with a complete recount of their book (which I loved)! This book is focused particularly on females and the relationships that they build with female companions, but I believe many of the concepts they share in it can easily be applied to the men in our lives as well. I highly recommend it to anyone that is looking to work on their people skills!

I leave you with one final thought today, a quote from the start of the chapter of this book: “To be a good friend, value yourself. To treasure another’s essence in your heart, you must first treasure the precious essence that is you.” – Friendship Therapy