I have recently just completed a book called Outstanding – 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional by John G. Miller. This is a book that was specifically written with a focus on work organizations and ensuring that they are successful, but like the other books I have mentioned on here previously, I feel that many of the concepts contained within it can be applied just as successfully to growth in the relationships in your own personal life.
One of the concepts that Miller introduced was that of the 4 Ds in conversation. He introduced this as a means of looking at the level of communication present in meetings and work relationships while attempting to reach a resolve during problem solving situations at work. I challenge you to take these same ideas and apply them to discussions and conflicts that arise between groups of your friends, your family members, social networks that you belong to, etc.
The 4 Ds that Miller introduces are Denial, Debate, Discussion and Dialogue. He explains that each of these comes with a different view and mindset in approaching problem solving. In understanding these we can step back and assess the likelihood of a group reaching a solution that will work for the benefit of all involved.
The first D he introduces is Denial. When a group is in the stage of denial, there is no talking or communication going on at all in reference to the area that requires problem solving. Miller states: “Colleagues, teams, and organizations that are in Denial simply see no problems. And since they believe that all is well, there’s nothing really substantial to talk about”. An example of this would be if there was a topic that had caused a rift in a group of your friends, maybe a comment that a friend has made that others take offense to. If no one in the group is willing to even discuss that this disagreement or discomfort exists, they will never reach a solution.
This stage is a dangerous place to be in any meaningful relation in your life. If a problem like this exists, and you choose not to confront it, this problem will only continue to grow and fester beneath the surface. This rift between two or more people will then continually be worse, as although you aren’t talking about it, it will still be reflected upon regularly in the back of your mind. The result of this unspoken rift is that you will find yourselves growing further and further apart as you bottle up the negative emotions you begin to feel towards each other. This is often what leads to the falling apart of friendships, when you hear “we just grew apart”. Although not all friendship are meant to last, as we’ve discussed before, and not all friendship will be really deep, emotional and open, you need to remember that those close relationship you have are worth the discomfort of stepping out of this rut.
The next concept that Miller introduces is the first step towards actually confronting the problems we are presented with. This is the Debate category. While in the mindset of debate, you are still not discussing to find a win-win situation, but rather are simply arguing to win based on your own personal stance. As Miller explains, “The good news with this level is that problems are now being recognized, and people accept that they should be searching for solutions. The bad news is, the objective of any debate is to win. When the goal of a conversation is to defeat the other person, it’s not going to be a very healthy talk”.
When in the stage of debate, you create an impression amongst your peers of being selfish and self centered. In this stage of communication you are not open to the ideas and needs of other people. You go into the situation with a set mindset, knowing what you want/need and unwilling to compromise for the better of the other people involved. If you think you are in this mindset, try stepping back and asking yourself whether you are willing to sacrifice anything in order to make this a win-win? Look at whether you are willing to make this situation work for others as well, as if you are focused solely on yourself it will not help to establish healthy relationships with those you care about.
The third stage in communication that Miller introduces is Discussion. This introduces the beginning stages of problem solving into your communication. He states “With Discussion, problems have not only been acknowledged and brought into the light, but people are also more willing to set aside personal agendas and their need to be right in order to solve the problem.”
This is the stage in which we first start to learn to truly consider the needs of those around us. When you look at the people around you that your respect and enjoy spending time with, its safe to say that part of the reason you enjoy their company is the way that they make others feel. People holding positions of leadership and respect earn this from the people around them by showing that they truly care about all involved. They are willing to put the needs of the group before their own personal needs. Although at this stage you have not completely mastered this concept, you are well on your way in working towards establishing that kind of heart in your day to day thoughts and actions.
If you feel at this time you are sitting in stage one or stage two that doesn’t make you a bad person. One thing that I have learned early on is that any of the leadership and life concepts that I introduce on here are all teachable. You are not a bad person for not having developed this in your life yet, you simply hadn’t been given the information to even recognize these stages exist. Start aiming to improve yourself, and you will be surprised how far you go. If you are in stage one or stage two with your communication, next time you are in a group making a decision, even as small as ‘what are we going to do this weekend’, try aiming for stage three. Start introducing the idea that although you’d had your heart set on attending that certain movie at that certain time, maybe it is best to set that aside to consider the fact that two or three of your other friends have an idea at that time. You will be surprised how far this will go in your relationships, and practicing this long enough you will begin to see the favourable responses from friends who see the change that is occurring within your heart.
The final stage that Miller introduces in his 4 Ds of communication is that of Dialogue. This is the stage where you are able to solve problems regardless of what may arise. You are able to put aside your own personal thoughts/feelings and step back, looking at the problem and finding the best solutions for ALL involved. Miller introduces this stage by saying: “In Dialogue, the conversation goes beyond simply talking about problems and how to fix them to working together in an honoring and respectful way”. He also states: “In Dialogue, people want to find the solution – and they don’t’ care who or where it comes from.”
At this stage the individuals involved are more focused on finding a solution for the common good than any of their own personal needs or wants. This is the stage most often connected with the mindset of Servant Leadership, a form of leadership in which you are focused more of the welling being of those who trust you as a leader than you are yourself. The amazing thing about this type of leadership is that in turn you also benefit from making those sacrifices. It is this style of leadership that you see most successfully in your local charitable organizations, community groups and churches. These are the people who honestly care SO much for the people around them that they will go far out of their way in order to make a solution the best for ALL parties involved.
This is not a natural mind set, humans are naturally egotistical and self centered. In order to achieve this level of communication in your day to day life you WILL have to be willing to work towards it and grow personally. There are plenty of places to get information to start working towards this stage in your life, great books and amazing leaders out there in the world that have varying ways of sharing their vast wealth of knowledge. I have included links on this page to the blogs of two of those leaders that I greatly respect and have seen putting this concept to work in their lives first hand, Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady. Please explore their blogs, and feel free to share here what you think, and any information about the individuals in your lives that you feel have demonstrated these concepts.
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