The Power of a Woman's Words

Today’s blog is going to be a little different from those that I have done up until this point. This morning I was reading The Power of a Woman’s Words by Sharon Jaynes when a story she included moved me. Rather than writing about a concept/idea, I am simply going to share that story. I hope that it touches you as much as it reached out and touched me. Listen to what this has to share, and apply it to the people in your life who you think you could inspire or help through your words. It takes little effort and little time on your part, but as this story illustrates, it can play a large role in their lives for years to come.

“Three Letters from Teddy

Teddy’s letter came today and now I’ve read it, I will place it in my cedar chest with the other things that are important to my life.

“I wanted you to be the first to know.”

I smiled as I read the words he had written, and my heart swelled with a pride that I had no right to feel. Teddy Stallard. I have not seen Teddy Stallard sine he was a student in my fifth-grade  class, fifteen years ago.

I’m ashamed to say that from the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers try hard not to have favourites in a class, but we try even harder not to show dislike for a child, any child.

Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that one cannot help but be attached to, for teachers are human, and it is human nature to like bright, pretty, intelligent people, whether they are ten years old or twenty-five. And sometimes, not too often fortunately, there will be one or two students to whom the teacher just can’t seem to relate.

I had thought myself quite capable of handling my personal feelings along that line until Teddy walked into my life. There wasn’t a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy was most assuredly one I disliked.

He was a dirty little boy. Not just occasionally, but all the time. His hair hung low over his ears, and he actually had to hold it out of his eyes as he wrote his papers in class. (And this was before it was fashionable to do so!) too, he had a peculiar odor about him that I could never identify.

Yes, his physical faults were many, but his intellect left a lot to be desired. By the end of the first week I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind, he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.

Any teacher will tell you that it’s more of a pleasure to teach a bright child. It is definitely more rewarding for one’s ego. But any teacher worth his or her credentials can channel work to the bright child, keeping that child challenged and learning, while the major effort is with the slower ones. Any teacher can do this. Most teachers do, but I didn’t. Not that year.

In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy’s papers, the cross-marks (and they were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary.

“Poor work!” I would write with a flourish.

While I did not actually ridicule the boy, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, for he quickly became the class “goat”, the outcast – the unlovable and the unloved.

He knew I didn’t like him, but he didn’t know why. Nor did I know – then or now – why I felt such an intense dislike for him. All I know is that he was a little boy no one cared about, and I made no effort on his behalf.

The days rolled by and we made it through the Fall Festival, the Thanksgiving holidays, and I continued marking happily with my red pen. As our Christmas break approached, I knew that Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth-grade level. He would be a repeater.

To justify myself, I went to his cumulative folder from time to time. He had very low grades for the first four years, but no grade failure. How he had made it, I didn’t know. I closed my mind to the personal remarks:

First Grade: “Teddy shows promise by work and attitude, but he has a poor home situation.”

Second Grade: “Teddy could do better. Mother terminally ill. He receives little help at home.”

Third Grade: “Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. Mother passed away end of the year.”

Fourth Grade: “Very slow but well behaved. Father shows no interest.”

Well they passed him four times, but he will certainly repeat fifth grade! Do him good! I said to myself.

And then the last day before the holidays arrived. Our little tree on the reading table sported paper and popcorn chains. Many gifts were heaped underneath, waiting for the big moment.

Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. There was not a student who had not brought me one. Each unwrapping brought squeals of delight and the proud giver would receive effusive thank-yous.

His gift wasn’t the last one I picked up. In fact it was in the middle of the pile. Its wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had colored Christmas trees and red bells all over it. It was stuck together with masking tape. “For Miss Thompson – From Teddy.”

The group was completely silent and I felt conspicuous, embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap that gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk. A gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne – half empty. I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn’t sure I could look at Teddy.

“Isn’t this lovely?” I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. “Teddy, would you help me fasten it?”

He smiled shyly as he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few hesitant ooh’s and ahh’s, but, as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears.

I continued to open the gifts until I reached the bottom of the pile. We ate our refreshments until the bell rant. The children filed out with shouts of “See you next year!” and “Merry Christmas!” but Teddy waited at his desk.

When they all left, he walked toward me clutching his gift and books to his chest.

“You smell just like Mom,” he said softly, “Her bracelet looks real pretty on you, too. I’m glad you liked it.”

He left quickly and I locked the door, sat down at my desk and wept, resolving to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of – a teacher who cared.

I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from the day class resumed on January 2 until the last day of school. Sometimes we worked together. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers. Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. Gradually there was a definite upward curve in his grades.

He did not have to repeat the fifth grade. In fact, his final averages were among the highest in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him. Teddy had reached a level that would stand him in good stead the following year, no matter where he went. He had enjoyed a measure of success, and as we were taught in our education courses: “Success builds success.”

I did not hear from Teddy until several years later when his first letter appeared in my mailbox.

                Dear Miss Thompson,

                I just wanted you to be the first to know, I will be graduating second in my

                class on May 25 from E_____ High School.

                                Very truly yours,

                                Teddy Stallard

I sent him a card of congratulations and a small package, a pen and pencil set. I wondered what he would do after graduation. I found out four years later when Teddy’s second letter came.

                Dear Miss Thompson,

                I was just informed today that I’ll be graduating first in my class. The

                University has been a little tough, but I’ll miss it,

                                Very truly yours,

                                Teddy Stallard

I sent him a good pair of sterling silver monogrammed cuff links and a card, so proud of him I could burst!

And now – today – Teddy’s third letter:

                Dear Miss Thompson,

                I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today I am Theodore J.

                Stallard, MD. How about that???!!!

                I’m going to be married on July 27, and I’m hoping you can come

                and sit where Mom would sit if she were here. I’ll have no family

                there as Dad died last year.        

                                Very truly yours,

                                Ted Stallard

I’m not sure what kind of gift one sends to a doctor on completion of medical school. Maybe I’ll just wait and take a wedding gift, but the note can’t wait.

                Dear Ted,

                Congratulations! You made it and you did it yourself! In spite of

                those like me and not because of us, this day has come for you.

                God  bless you. I’ll be at that wedding with bells on!!!

Miss Thompson changed the course of one little boy’s life. She gave Teddy words that built him up when he felt as though life had knocked him down for good. Can’t you hear her now? “Great job, Teddy!” “You can do it!” She became the wind beneath his wings when he felt as though he had been grounded from flight. And years later, she had a front row seat as she watched him soar into his future. That is the power of a woman’s words.”

Communication Stages

I have recently just completed a book called Outstanding – 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional  by John G. Miller. This is a book that was specifically written with a focus on work organizations and ensuring that they are successful, but like the other books I have mentioned on here previously, I feel that many of the concepts contained within it can be applied just as successfully to growth in the relationships in your own personal life.

One of the concepts that Miller introduced was that of the 4 Ds in conversation. He introduced this as a means of looking at the level of communication present in meetings and work relationships while attempting to reach a resolve during problem solving situations at work. I challenge you to take these same ideas and apply them to discussions and conflicts that arise between groups of your friends, your family members, social networks that you belong to, etc.

The 4 Ds that Miller introduces are Denial, Debate, Discussion and Dialogue. He explains that each of these comes with a different view and mindset in approaching problem solving. In understanding these we can step back and assess the likelihood of a group reaching a solution that will work for the benefit of all involved.

The first D he introduces is Denial. When a group is in the stage of denial, there is no talking or communication going on at all in reference to the area that requires problem solving. Miller states: “Colleagues, teams, and organizations that are in Denial simply see no problems. And since they believe that all is well, there’s nothing really substantial to talk about”. An example of this would be if there was a topic that had caused a rift in a group of your friends, maybe a comment that a friend has made that others take offense to. If no one in the group is willing to even discuss that this disagreement or discomfort exists, they will never reach a solution.

This stage is a dangerous place to be in any meaningful relation in your life. If a problem like this exists, and you choose not to confront it, this problem will only continue to grow and fester beneath the surface. This rift between two or more people will then continually be worse, as although you aren’t talking about it, it will still be reflected upon regularly in the back of your mind. The result of this unspoken rift is that you will find yourselves growing further and further apart as you bottle up the negative emotions you begin to feel towards each other. This is often what leads to the falling apart of friendships, when you hear “we just grew apart”. Although not all friendship are meant to last, as we’ve discussed before, and not all friendship will be really deep, emotional and open, you need to remember that those close relationship you have are worth the discomfort of stepping out of this rut.

The next concept that Miller introduces is the first step towards actually confronting the problems we are presented with. This is the Debate category. While in the mindset of debate, you are still not discussing to find a win-win situation, but rather are simply arguing to win based on your own personal stance. As Miller explains, “The good news with this level is that problems are now being recognized, and people accept that they should be searching for solutions. The bad news is, the objective of any debate is to win. When the goal of a conversation is to defeat the other person, it’s not going to be a very healthy talk”.

When in the stage of debate, you create an impression amongst your peers of being selfish and self centered. In this stage of communication you are not open to the ideas and needs of other people. You go into the situation with a set mindset, knowing what you want/need and unwilling to compromise for the better of the other people involved. If you think you are in this mindset, try stepping back and asking yourself whether you are willing to sacrifice anything in order to make this a win-win? Look at whether you are willing to make this situation work for others as well, as if you are focused solely on yourself it will not help to establish healthy relationships with those you care about.

The third stage in communication that Miller introduces is Discussion. This introduces the beginning stages of problem solving into your communication. He states “With Discussion, problems have not only been acknowledged and brought into the light, but people are also more willing to set aside personal agendas and their need to be right in order to solve the problem.”

This is the stage in which we first start to learn to truly consider the needs of those around us. When you look at the people around you that your respect and enjoy spending time with, its safe to say that part of the reason you enjoy their company is the way that they make others feel. People holding positions of leadership and respect earn this from the people around them by showing that they truly care about all involved. They are willing to put the needs of the group before their own personal needs. Although at this stage you have not completely mastered this concept, you are well on your way in working towards establishing that kind of heart in your day to day thoughts and actions.

If you feel at this time you are sitting in stage one or stage two that doesn’t make you a bad person. One thing that I have learned early on is that any of the leadership and life concepts that I introduce on here are all teachable. You are not a bad person for not having developed this in your life yet, you simply hadn’t been given the information to even recognize these stages exist. Start aiming to improve yourself, and you will be surprised how far you go. If you are in stage one or stage two with your communication, next time you are in a group making a decision, even as small as ‘what are  we going to do this weekend’, try aiming for stage three. Start introducing the idea that although you’d had your heart set on attending that certain movie at that certain time, maybe it is best to set that aside to consider the fact that two or three of your other friends have an idea at that time. You will be surprised how far this will go in your relationships, and practicing this long enough you will begin to see the favourable responses from friends who see the change that is occurring within your heart.

The final stage that Miller introduces in his 4 Ds of communication is that of Dialogue. This is the stage where you are able to solve problems regardless of what may arise. You are able to put aside your own personal thoughts/feelings and step back, looking at the problem and finding the best solutions for ALL involved. Miller introduces this stage by saying: “In Dialogue, the conversation goes beyond simply talking about problems and how to fix them to working together in an honoring and respectful way”. He also states: “In Dialogue, people want to find the solution – and they don’t’ care who or where it comes from.”

At this stage the individuals involved are more focused on finding a solution for the common good than any of their own personal needs or wants. This is the stage most often connected with the mindset of Servant Leadership, a form of leadership in which you are focused more of the welling being of those who trust you as a leader than you are yourself. The amazing thing about this type of leadership is that in turn you also benefit from making those sacrifices. It is this style of leadership that you see most successfully in your local charitable organizations, community groups and churches. These are the people who honestly care SO much for the people around them that they will go far out of their way in order to make a solution the best for ALL parties involved.

This is not a natural mind set, humans are naturally egotistical and self centered. In order to achieve this level of communication in your day to day life you WILL have to be willing to work towards it and grow personally. There are plenty of places to get information to start working towards this stage in your life, great books and amazing leaders  out there in the world that have varying ways of sharing their vast wealth of knowledge. I have included links on this page to the blogs of two of those leaders that I greatly respect and have seen putting this concept to work in their lives first hand, Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady. Please explore their blogs, and feel free to share here what you think, and any information about the individuals in your lives that you feel have demonstrated these concepts.

5 Simple Steps to Confidence

One of the topics that I want to touch on whenever possible in this blog is different ways in which you can build yourself up, without it being at the expense of others. As I have said before, the ability to increase your self esteem resides in your hands, its just a matter of getting the information required to make the change, and having the guts to step out and make the changes required.

Today we are going to discuss the 5 steps to building confidence as discussed by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. in his book The Magic of Thinking Big. This is one of my ultimate favourite books, and a recommendation for anyone that is looking to find a way to improve their life and being to reach their biggest goals and dreams. This is one of the first books I read in my quest to work on improving myself, and since then have read it multiple times.

Schwartz states that there are 5 steps, that if applied correctly will allow you to build your own self confidence. I want you to think about the last time that you felt you ‘failed’ at something you wanted in life. In most cases, this failure could have just as easily gone the other way if it weren’t for a lack of self confidence in the approach.

The first step he discusses is the importance of being a “front seater”. By this he means, when you attend a presentation, class, even church, where do you sit? Schwartz says “Sitting up front builds confidence. Most people sit near the back in order to be inconspicuous”. Most people gravitate to the back of the room where they can hide out unnoticed during these events. Now in earlier posts we’ve discussed that who you are is who you see yourself as, the concept of thinking yourself into being better. If this is the case, does it not make sense that sitting up front and thinking of yourself with the confidence to be right up front and centre, eye to eye with the speaker, will begin to make you feel that way?

That leads nicely into the second step – Practice making eye contact. We have all heard sayings like “the eyes are a window to the soul” and often a saying too often overused, like that one, are then shrugged off and believed to have no value… I challenge that thought. Schwartz says “Your eyes say a lot about you. Make eye contact with the person you are talking with and demonstrate your confidence to them.” Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is staring at the ground the entire time, or looking off through the window beside them? You immediately feel as though you are dealing with someone who has no belief in what they are trying to tell you. Knowing this, why not harness this simple way to create confidence in yourself. “It not only gives you confidence. It wins you confidence too.”I believe very strongly in this statement from Schwartz. You create both an inner feeling of confidence as you build confidence in yourself, but you also portray confidence to the person you are interacting with, which in turn develops their confidence in you. Its hard not to feel confident when you know that the person you are speaking with is already confident in you as well.

The next step that Schwartz discusses is a  concept that is too often forgotten about in our society today, and that’s the use of your body language to build and portray confidence. Schwartz tells us that it is as simple as walking 25% faster everywhere that you go. He says: “Throw your shoulders back, lift up your head, move ahead just a little faster and feel self-confidence grow.” The way that you carry yourself is going to say a lot about the confidence that you have. In The Magic of Thinking Big Schwartz discusses three different groups of people that you can observe. The first group is the group that slouches, and walks slow, the second group walks at an average pace, and the third group walks like they have somewhere important to be. Observing people from these three groups heading to work in the morning, which would you believe to be the confident individual? When you slouch you illustrate to all around you that you don’t even have enough self confidence to hold your head high, not the impression you want to be giving when trying to build confidence. I challenge you to try this in your place of employment, and notice the different way that many will interact with you.

Once you’ve begun to walk fast and with purpose, the next step that Schwartz introduces is the importance of speaking up. He explains that not speaking up, whether its at a group meeting at work when they have introduced a new procedure, or while planning a charity event that you agreed to take part in. Too often you watch someone leading a meeting doing all the speaking while everyone else sits and nods, only to walk away and complain about the decisions made. When you choose not to speak up you solidify in your mind that your opinion on the matter is not worth being heard. The more often you choose to stay silent, the deeper you ingrain this belief of yourself. Schwartz says “But on the positive side, the more you speak up, the more you add to your confidence, and the easier it is to speak up the next time. Speak up. It’s a confidence-building vitamin.” As with anything else that you are learning to do in life, from walking as a young child, through to learning to drive, and onwards, practice and repetition will help you to build your skills and comfort level. Schwartz also adds that you shouldn’t be the last person to speak either, as that will build the same feeling not speaking does, you feel like a follower simply following the heard. Instead, aim to be the ice breaker. I’m not saying say the first thing that comes to your mind without putting through behind it, but when you have a valid point, take the step out of your comfort zone to speak up, and with time that comfort zone will increase.

Schwartz’s final point is one that I think is the most forgotten about, and yet one of the easiest of all of these to apply, Smile big. Have you ever noticed how much better you immediately feel when you are smiling? The body reacts believing that whatever you are facing is something you are comfortable with and even happy to be completing. Schwartz writes, “A big smile gives you confidence. A big smile beats fear, rolls away worry, defeats despondency.” Isn’t it true to state that you simply can’t remain mad at someone that smile s at you with a true, genuine smile? That’s why it is so hard to remain angry with a child… Apply this in your life and you’ll find yourself both feeling happier and more confident as well as bringing happiness and confidence to each person that you interact with in life. When you find yourself concerned, worried, nervous or afraid, put on a large, genuine smile and you will begin to feel the wave of comfort take you over.

So there you have it, 5 simple steps illustrated by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D. None of the ideas mentioned on their own is overly difficult or time consuming, but when put into action, these will create HUGE changes in your life, both on a personal level as well as in the relationships that you form at work, in your home and in your day to day lives.

The Power of Making Others Feel Imporant

I started this blog as a means of helping those who may struggle with their self image. People who are wanting to grow and learn and increase their feelings of self worth. Today however, I want to suggest a different approach…. What if we were all actively trying to help each other feel important? I know that’s a concept you would portray ‘in a perfect world’, but it has to start somewhere…. So what if we just put a small effort into making the people we are in contact with each day feel important.

In his book How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People Les Giblin discusses three ways to make people feel important. If we were to make a point of applying these concepts to our day to day lives, imagine how much it could enrich our relationships. Don’t you think that if you are making everyone else feel better, they in turn will likely make you feel better about yourself as well? Its one big circle, creating a win, win, however that circle has to have a starting point.

The first concept he presents is that you have to actually think that the person you are speaking with is important. He proposes the idea that even if you try to act like you feel that person is important to you, unless you truly believe it deep down then it won’t genuinely come across. Les Giblin states: “You can’t make the other fellow feel important in your presence if you secretly feel that he is a nobody”. You need to make a point of actively changing the way that you think about the people around you.

This concept may be difficult if it’s not something that you’ve made a point of doing. We live in a society where we are raised believing that you simply have to watch your words and actions, but we weren’t taught how to retrain our thoughts. Start by finding something about this person you can truly respect or compliment. Even the smallest point works.

Maybe this person you deal with annoys you do to the fact that they talk constantly, always interrupt, and lack on tact, however that same person might have a great sense of style that you can compliment them on. Another example might be that really shy person working administration at your office. This person is very quiet, soft spoken. She rarely voices her opinion on anything, so you don’t really know her on that level enough to compliment. However, you have experienced her incredible work ethic and organizational skills through your interactions with her at work each and every day.

If we can find that one point to compliment for each person, and focus on that, we can create that feeling of importance and respect in our minds when we are communicating with them. In turn, we are able to then genuinely express to them that we find them to be important. Imagine how much higher your feeling of self worth would be when interacting with someone that you know truly views you in that high regard.

The next concept that Les Giblin presents in his book is that in order to make people feel important, we need to ‘notice’ people. The act of being noticed goes leaps and bounds to providing someone with the pat on the back and the ego boos they need to increase their own self esteem.

Giblin states: “When someone “notices” us, he pays us a big compliment. He is saying that he recognizes our importance. He gives a big boost to our morale. We become friendlier, more cooperative and actually work harder”. Work harder?  How interesting is it that something as simple as making a point of noticing that employee could very well instill a higher degree of work ethics.

This isn’t saying you have to buy gifts for everyone that you come in contact with. The act of noticing someone can be as simple as a hello or a smile. Picture this with me, if you will: You wake up one morning to find that the power had gone out so your alarm hadn’t gone off. As you are rushing to get out the door you stub your toe. You get dressed only to find a stain you had never noticed on your favourite shirt. Rushing out the door you drop your purse, spilling the contents across your front hallway. Finally getting everything together and arriving at your favourite coffee shop, you find yourself greeted with a big smile from the woman that you see there each and every morning, greeting you with an enthusiastic good morning.

Sure, she wasn’t able to fix all the events of the morning, but did that smile not brighten your day? It is that exact feeling that we should be spreading to all those that we are in contact with in our lives. It costs you nothing financially, and is very little inconvenience, but can make a HUGE difference in the life of the person that you are reaching out to.

The last concept that Giblin presents is not to lord it over other people. We are all human, and all have the same needs and desires when it comes to our basic human instincts. That means that we too need to feel important. Watch that you are not using your attempts to make other people feel important solely for selfish means. If you are doing it to increase your own importance, which as human beings we are tempted to do, the person will see through this and realize that you are not being sincere. Giblin states “Because you are a humane being and you have the same need to feel important that everyone else does, you must watch yourself to see that you do not use this basic fact about human nature to your own disadvantage”.

If each of us were to use these techniques in our day to day lives, can you imagine the impact on all those around us? I know that stating if everyone did it would be creating an ideal world, but we have heard time and time again that we need to be the change that we wish to see in the world… So let’s start today with something as simple as making everyone we interact with feel important. I promise that you will make someone’s day!

Gender Equality

I am going to start today’s blog in a little different fashion than usual. Rather than slowly introducing a concept I am going to start with a quote from the latest book that I am reading, and then afterwards discuss it and the impact that concept has had on my life. The book is Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor. This book was recommended to me by one of my closest friends who stated that although I’m not married, it can apply to a dating relationship just as easily, and having read about half of  the book already, I agree.

“Let me go ahead and say it: Men and women are not created equal. We are pretty defensive about equality in modern culture today, and rightly so. But when I say this about men and women, I am not suggesting that men are better than women, or that women are better than men, or that one sex should be afforded more opportunity than the other. I am saying there are differences between the sexes that must be acknowledged and understood for marriages to be successful.

People who claim the sexes are equal (or the same) are well-meaning, but do both sexes an injustice by ignoring the fundamental differences in men and women. Everything from language (using “humankind” instead of “mankind”) to fashion (unisex everything) has been redesigned in an attempt to mask the ways men and women are different. There is nothing inherently wrong with those things; in fact, they may be beneficial in confronting gender bias. But when they are the result of a quest to eliminate gender distinctions, I think that is a mistake.

Certainly, both men and women should be treated as equals in terms of respect opportunity, pay, influence, and so on, but that is political or moral equality. The essential differences in the sexes are the result of the created order and are easily demonstrated scientifically. We should not ignore or try to cover up those differences. Doing so sabotages male/female relationships. We refer to each other as the “opposite” sex for good reason. “

This is a topic that was very difficult for me for a long time. Growing up I was a bit of a ‘tom boy’ and had it in my mind that anything a guy could do, I could do and better… Each day I strived to prove that there was no difference between the male population and myself (with the obvious exception of physical make up, and that one I was ok with). I was heavily involved with martial arts, where I was clear that I was to be treated no different than my male counterparts, doing the same training, tests, and going as far as sparing the same people.

After high school I went to University, once again determined to prove that being female was not going to make me any different from the males that attended the same program. At this time my friendships began to take the same approach. I became ‘one of the guys’, hitting the bars for a cold beer, deeply in love with the sport of Hockey and all it stood for. I had very few female friends, and for the most part denied understanding or wanting to get close to females because I was determined that I was ‘more like the guys’ in almost every way.

This was only intensified when shortly after entering University I got involved in the military. Here was a chance to stand alongside the guys, train alongside the guys, and prove I could hold my own. On basic training it was quickly made clear that there were guys on our course that did not believe that women should be allowed to be involved, including one instructor. I remember setting out to make it my personal mission to prove them wrong, and have been involved for some time since successfully completing that course. Once again I was in an environment where I was ‘one of the guys’.

The big turning point came when I got involved with the business I am in now. Here it was all about men AND women… about the inherent differences, especially the strengths of each gender. Suddenly being surrounded by a group of STRONG women I was opening up to the idea of getting in touch with who I was deep down. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not running around with my perfectly manicured nails, expecting my boyfriend to do all the heavy lifting or otherwise deemed ‘man’ work in the house… I have however begun to realize the emotional strengths of the female population.

Women have the ability to connect and understand emotions in ways that most men can’t even fathom, and those that can, will readily admit that they haven’t figured out. We were biologically designed to be care takers and due to this we are much more in tune with the friends and family around us, their needs, desires, thoughts, emotions. We are better at multi-tasking (Due to the actual make up of our brains! I’m not shooting any of you men down, just stating a scientific fact). Although we are slower to form friendships with the people we are exposed to, our friendships generally get deeper, with more open communication. Guys bond over doing nothing together (Take fishing as an example), but women bond over conversations.

What I am trying to get at with today’s post isn’t ‘here is my life story’, if that was the goal there would be  A LOT more written then what I put above. What I want you all to understand is that in a society where so many women feel they have to spend every day trying to be ‘a man’ to be accepted and successful, maybe its time that we embrace who we really are! We don’t have to become someone else, someone different… The someone we are is amazing, strong, unique, SPECIAL! You have the ability to take on the world and succeed at whatever you set your heart to as the person you are deep down.

I’m not saying don’t work on yourself, or don’t work towards personal growth. As you’ve seen in earlier posts I’m a huge advocate of that. I’m saying that the BEST you…. The one that is established through growth and understanding yourself, through hard work to build on your strengths and begin to conquer your weaknesses… the BEST you can do ANYTHING!!!!  You just have to start to learn to love you for who you are, not what you think that society wants you to be.

Although this was geared more towards my female readers, men this goes for you too. The male population also has its own unique strengths… for example men are FAR better at focusing on one single task at hand until its completed than men are, due to the same comparison of the make up of the brain that makes women better at multi-tasking.

Embrace who you are, strength it and nurture it. You have the ability to do amazing things.  

Friendship and Labels

Have you ever found yourself developing that ‘close, personal’ relationship with a friend that you just know will be your ‘best friend forever’, only to learn down the road that they didn’t feel even close to the same, letting the friendship slide away with time as if it had little meaning? How about that person you’ve met a couple times that always wants to spend time with you because they think you’re best buds, but you’d rather just leave it at a passing hello?

This topic is one that has interested me as of late, as I see it coming up more and more often in the books that I read. We all classify our different ‘types’ of friends based on the relationship at the time, and the level of intimacy it involves. This ‘classification’ process can cause a lot of pain and heartache if it is not completely understood…

Matthew Kelly wrote an entire book on this concept, entitled The Seven Levels of Intimacy. In it he addressed the seven different levels that he classifies the communication between two people. These levels correspond with just how much you share and are open with the person you are communicating with. His ‘Seven Levels’ are:

Level one: We share clichés

Level Two: We share facts

Level Three: We share opinions

Level Four: We share hopes and dreams

Level Five: We share feelings

Level Six: We share faults, fears and failures

Level Seven: We share our legitimate needs

He discusses how no friendship is confined to only fitting into one of these levels, but rather are fluid, moving back and forth between them as our friendship progresses. Those that you are closest to are going to have reached a much higher level than the woman you run into at the coffee shop each morning on your way to work and greet, and that is completely ok. In order to have a balanced life and group of ‘friends’ you need to have friendships that fit into all levels that are here.

He also stresses that it is important not to see these levels as a task. When you realize that you are currently sharing a Level Two friendship, for example, the goal is not to force it to progress step by step up to Level Seven. Not all friendship will be become a Level Six or Level Seven relationship, and those that do may skip steps on the way. Rather than trying to force a friendship to fit into one level or another, find what level you are at and enjoy the blessing of having someone that fits into that niche in your life.

Another important point to consider is the fact that your friend may consider your friendship on a different level than you do at this time. Maybe you have reached a Level Five point of sharing your feelings with a good friend; however you find that he or she is still sharing with you their opinions at Level Three. There is nothing wrong with this; however here is where most people get hurt. Your friendship at that point is functioning where it needs to in each of your lives. We need to learn to accept that what level you are at is not a judgment of the person that you are, but rather a reflection of the role that you fill for that individual.

In their book Grown-Up Girlfriends Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver also address this concept, but in a slightly different manner. They explain this concept in terms of baskets, and seeing what basket your friends would fall into. In their book they also offer a guideline as to how many friends the average person would have in each of these categories, giving us an idea of how many people they believe actually make it to that higher level of intimacy.

Once again the idea of being in different categories or ‘baskets’ is addressed. They explain that although its always nice to know that a friend would place you in the same ‘basket’ as you place them, however we aren’t going around announcing what basket we would place our friends in, so why would it matter. The important thing is that the friendship is there, and fills a function necessary in both of our lives, even if that function is different.

Their ‘baskets’ are:

Basket Number Three: Acquaintances (20 to 100 individuals) – People that you know by name, you usually share facts or clichés. This could be a cashier at the grocery store or the secretary at your doctor’s office.

Basket Number Two: Good Friends or Companions (5 to 20 individuals) – People that you go beyond the surface with while communicating. You share opinions and concerns with these people, maybe moving to further levels of communication at times.

Basket Number One: Know-It-All Friends (1 to 4 individuals) – People that you share your needs, feelings and further intimate connections with These friends are the heart and soul, and as a result these friendships  require more time as well as a higher level of trust and commitment. You’re more likely to walk through conflict and manage relational dynamics with these friends.

The ‘Basket’ concept used by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver is very similar to the Seven Levels of Intimacy used in Matthew Kelly’s book. Once again it is measured by the connection that you develop with these people. As you can see, even looking at the highest extremes of their guidelines, the average person who has 100 acquaintances would still only have 4 Know-it-all friends.

Fred Smith explains it just a little differently in his book You and Your Network. Rather than defining the categories based on the level of communication, he goes as far as defining them by their actual purpose and role in your life. His categories are:

1.       Our reservoir of friendship possibilities – The friendly people that we encounter in our day to day lives and activities. We nod, acknowledge them, however have not begun any type of conversation with them to truly understand who they are. They are people that you would be happy to know, and consider to be a ‘good’ person from your experiences, but you are not anxious enough about it to make the necessary effort to develop a relationship.

2.       Friends of convenience – This category includes people like your neighbours. You are there to support each other when things need done, like checking on the house and gathering mail when you are on vacation. We speak with these people, but seldom talk seriously. You will go as far as asking them how they are doing, but appreciate if they acknowledge that you don’t really want an answer, it’s more a question of courtesy than interest.

3.       Friends of mutuality – These friendships are built on a mutual ability to benefit each other. Friendships that develop in a business environment more often than not fall into this category. When the advantage gained by being friends is lost, most often the friendship just fades out. Its is based on an exchange of favour, benefits, and profits.

4.       Period friendships – These are the friendships that are established for a specific period of your life, but aren’t there to last beyond that. They are often people that are part of a mutual cause, or the same sports team. For the duration of your tournament you are establishing a friendship, but once it ends, the friendship too fades out.

5.       Deeper Friendships – These friendships relate to love. He states “Meaningful friendship is a narrow level – the small tip at the top of the acquaintance pyramid reserved for “real” friends.”

All three of these explanations go far to helping us understand that not every friend that comes into our life is going to be become one of those ‘top of the list, share your life with buddies’ and that is ok because regardless of their category, they serve their purpose in your life. Rather than attempting to analyze what category our friends have us in, let’s just feel blessed that they have come to fill their role in our life, enjoy the friendship for its specific purpose and love them for who they are. I’m not saying don’t work on your relationships, all relationships require some degree of work and effort, however we can’t force our friendships to be something they are not, or we are setting ourselves up for hurt.

I’m going to leave you with this challenge…. Consider the friendships in your life, and the blessings that they bring to you each and every encounter, whether it’s a smile from an acquaintance, or that close friend that was there to hug you as you cried… Remember these moments, cherish these moments, and pour your heart into the people in your lives…

Fear Buttons

I was recently reading a book called Grown-Up Girlfriends by Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver when I came across a section they referred to as our ‘fear buttons’. I thought this was an interesting concept and way of looking at the fears in our lives, and wanted to share it with all of you.

The idea behind ‘fear buttons’ is that each of us has specific triggers, or buttons, that cause us to back into habitual reactions due to reactions of fear. If we are able to recognize what our individual triggers are , then we have the ability to work on overcoming that fear and having a better control over our emotional reaction to those situations.

Growing up I was always a ‘tom boy’ and ‘tough stuff’ so I had convinced myself that I fear nothing and nothing could get in my way. Reading this book I realized that even that notion is in itself a depiction of my ‘fear button’ coming through.

I’m not going to list all of the examples they had, as there were a couple pages of different examples, but I will use a few from the book to share with you the idea they were presenting. Each ‘fear button’ can be identified by a certain set of emotional feelings that arise from the situation. For example, if your ‘fear button’ is Rejection then your fear may sound like “My friend doesn’t want me; my friend doesn’t need me; I’m not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted”. Due to this in any situation where a friend my portray something that makes you feel is their way of saying they no longer need you or want you around, this ‘fear button’ is in turn pressed.

Another example of a ‘fear button’, and one that I struggle with a lot, is Intimacy. That fear sounds like “I am afraid of opening up emotionally to my friend; I will be hurt emotionally if I allow my friend past my walls”. Due to this particular fear being so deeply embedded in my way of thinking, I realized I was hindering my ability to build close, lasting friendships, because they minute they got close, I pushed them away, or ran the other way.

A couple other examples that are common are:
Abandonment – “I will be alone; my friend will ultimately leave me; I will be left without any friends; my friend won’t be committed to me or long; I will be deserted”
Inferiority – “Everyone else is better than I am; I am less valuable or important than others”

When these ‘fear buttons’ are pressed, we have internal reactions that we habitually fall back on, and in those lies the second key to moving past our fear buttons. If we are able to realize how we react and in turn start gaining some control over it, we can keep ourselves from causing negative situations due to habitual reaction. They also had a large list of common reactions to our ‘fear buttons’ in the same way that they had listed the ‘fear buttons’ themselves.

The one that I am most guilty of, and am working on controlling more, is the reaction of Numbing Out. Their explanation of Numbing out is “I become devoid of emotion, or I have no regard for my friend’s needs or troubles”. As you can see, these two go rather hand in hand… If I am afraid of getting too close to someone, it would make sense that I would then respond by becoming devoid of emotion…. The problem is these two have created a steady spiral in my life that I need to break free from. In order to break free I need to recognize both, not just one half of the puzzle.

Some other examples include:
Withdrawal – “I avoid others or alienate myself without resolution; I sulk or use the silent treatment”
Escalation – “My emotions spiral out of control; I argue, raise my voice, or fly into a rage”
Acting out – “I engage in negative behaviours such as drug or alcohol abuse, excessive shopping, or overeating”

As I said, I can’t list everything on here they discussed, or I would be filling this up with a complete recount of their book (which I loved)! This book is focused particularly on females and the relationships that they build with female companions, but I believe many of the concepts they share in it can easily be applied to the men in our lives as well. I highly recommend it to anyone that is looking to work on their people skills!

I leave you with one final thought today, a quote from the start of the chapter of this book: “To be a good friend, value yourself. To treasure another’s essence in your heart, you must first treasure the precious essence that is you.” – Friendship Therapy